Saturday, January 14, 2012

COACHELL NO NIGGA


ITS ABOUT TO GO DOWN B



YO WHITE PEOPLE ARE LOSIN THEY MINDS BECAUSE COACHELLA (WHICH IM TOLD IS A MUSIC FESTIVAL) IS ABOUT TO SELL OUT OR SOLD OUT OR WHATEVER. SO WHILE MINORITIES IS SHOOTIN THEYSELVES OVER JORDANS THAT SOME AMPUTEE CAMBODIAN ORPHAN MADE IN A SNEAKER FACTORY DEATH CAMP, WHITE PEOPLE BOUT TO START KILLIN EACHOTHER WITH POISONOUS TEA LEAVES OR SOME SHIT...IDK IF YALL KNOW THIS BUT WHITE PEOPLE ARE TOTALLY AGAINST GUNS, REAL WHITE PEOPLE, NOT WHITE TRASH. WHITE TRASH LOVE GUNS AND ALSO RACE CARS. (THE ONES THAT LOOK LIKE REGULAR CARS NOT THE SHITS THAT LOOK LIKE LITTLE CORNY TOYS THAT SOME GUY WHO WANTS TO BE JAPANESE MADE UP)

YO THIS IS THE COACHELLA LINEUP B.



THE SHIT IS LIKE A WHITE GUYS IPOD WHERE HE HAS WILD MISOGYNISTIC RAP SPRINKLED IN WITH SHIT LIKE "ARCTIC MONKEYS" AND "GODSPEED YOU! BLACK EMPEROR" WHICH I BOTH HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK THEY ARE OR SOUND LIKE. BUT I DON'T LIKE BANDS THAT HAVE A STUPID FUCKIN NAME THAT HAS A PUNCTUATION MARK IN IT B. LIKE YOU JUST PUTTIN YOUR FANS IN A POSITION TO LOOK LIKE DICKHEADS WHENEVER PEOPLE ASK THEM WHAT THEY FAVORITE BANDS IS. LIKE IF I ASK A WHITE NIGGA WHAT HIS FAVORITE BANDS ARE AND HE'S LIKE

"AWW DUDE, FUCKIN LIKE...THE BEATLES! DUH RIGHT! HAHA! LIKE OBVIOUSLY THE BEATLES...UMM, JOHNNY CASH LIKE ALL HIS OLD STUFF, 2PAC *DOES W WITH FINGERS* WESTSIIIIIDE! HAHAHA! RIGHT? WESTSIIIIDE! AND DUDE MY ALL TIME TOTAL FAV IS "GODSPEED YOU! BLACK EMPEROR"

THEN I SMACK YOUR FACE OFF BECAUSE YOUR SMACKABILITY LEVELS WAS PEAKING AND THEN YOU MENTIONED A BAND NAME WITH A PUNCTUATION MARK AND YOU HIT 100% SMACKABILITY.


ANYWAY, THIS SHIT IS LIKE THE ILLEST DISPLAY OF CAUCASITY CUZ NIGGAS BE LIKE "OH MAN COACHELLA IS SO AWESOME BECAUSE LIKE, I HAVE SUCH AN ECLECTIC TASTE IN MUSIC AND LIKE I'M SO CULTURED AND I TOTALLY KNOW ABOUT JIMMY CLIFF" THEN THEY ACT LIKE THEY'RE REAL SUPER HYPE BECAUSE SOME BANDS REUNITED OR WHATEVER THE FUCK. "OH DUDE I'M SO FUCKING STOKED TO HEAR "ONE ARMED SCISSOR PERFORMED BY THE ORIGINAL AT THE DRIVE IN LINEUP DUDE! EVEN THOUGH MY BROTHER CAN PLAY THE GUITAR AND SOUND EXACTLY LIKE JIM WARD DUDE IT'S NOT THE SAME MAN LIKE THE FUCKING INTENSITY IS GONNA BE SO INTENSE AND FUCKING GNAR DUDE, TOTALLY AMAZEBALLS"

YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE GONNA FLOOD INSTAGRAM WITH PICTURES OF THOM YORKE DOING HIS LITTLE "BABY PEEING ON HISSELF AND ALSO BEING ATTACKED BY BEES" DANCE? LIKE OD,000,000 B. AND OUT OF THAT OD,000,000 80% ARE GONNA JUST WRITE "AMAZEBALLS" AS THE CAPTION MY NIGGA. AND I'M GONNA HATE LIFE AND KILL SOMEBODY THAT DON'T DESERVE TO DIE.

MUSIC FESTIVALS IS BELOVED BY CAUCASIANS B. BUT DIFFERENT SPECIES OF CAUCASIANS GO TO DIFFERENT FESTIVALS MY G SO LEMME PUT YOU ON. SO YOU DON'T GO TO LOLLAPALOOZA EXPECTING TO MEET AND INTERCOURSE WITH A GIRL WITH GLASSES AND "TRADITIONAL AMERICAN" TATTOOS (IE: ED HARDY LOOKING SHIT)



LOLLAPALOOZA: THIS SHIT IS FOR NIGGAS THAT WOULD PAY TO SEE GUY FIERI MAKE A BACON WRAPPED CHICKEN WING STUFFED INSIDE A TRIPLE CHEESE SAUCE HAMBURGER LIVE B. THIS SHIT IS FOR NIGGAS WITH FROSTED TIPS B. IF YOU HAVE HAIR COLORS IN YOUR HAIR THATS NOT YOUR ACTUAL HAIR COLOR AND ALSO YOU HAVE A 311 TATTOO, THIS IS YOUR SHIT B. IF YOU'RE LOOKIN FOR BITCHES THAT WEAR SKATE SHOES AND BACKWARDS TRUCKER HATS AND SMELL LIKE HOT YOGURT AND DORITOS, YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE MY NIGGA BECAUSE THEY FINNA BE EVERYWHERE IN THIS BITCH. I THINK THEY HAVE AN ADULT SIZE BOUNCY CASTLE AT THIS SHIT AND THEY GOT A BOOTH WHERE THE NIGGA FROM SMASHMOUTH WILL JERK YOU OFF TO "HEY NOW YOU'RE AN ALLSTAR" FOR $50 (OR A FEW GRAMS OF METH).



BONNAROO: YO IF YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT A MUSICAL LINEUP CREATED BY A "COOL DAD" THAT WORKS IN AN OFFICE FOR LIKE AN ASPIRIN COMPANY OR SOME SHIT WOULD LOOK LIKE, THIS IS IT B. THIS SHIT IS FOR NIGGAS WHO WEAR BEANIES IN THE SUMMER B. IF YOU'RE A WHITE NIGGA THAT DRESSES LIKE A PERUVIAN LLAMA SHEPHERD THEN THIS IS YOUR FESTIVAL B. OBVIOUSLY THEY HAVE A WHITE PEOPLE ACCESSIBLE RAPPER INVOLVED IN THIS SHIT. LIKE YOU'LL NEVER SEE CAPONE & NOREAGA PERFORMING "STICK YOU" AT BONNAROO B. JAY-Z WILL COME OUT AND DO "HARD KNOCK LIFE" AND "SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT" AND PROLLY A DOUBLE ENCORE OF "EMPIRE STATE OF MIND" BECAUSE IN ORDER FOR CAUCASIANS TO FUCK WITH YOUR MUSIC AS A RAPPER IT NEEDS TO BE APPROPRIATE FOR A CAR COMMERCIAL.



LILITH FAIR:
THIS SHIT DON'T EXIST ANYMORE BUT IMA MAKE FUN OF IT ANYWAY CUZ IT'S WILD SLANDERABLE. YO LILITH FAIR WAS THE TYPE OF SHIT YOU GO TO IF YOU HAVEN'T HEARD FROM YOUR ENGLISH PROFESSOR FROM FRESHMAN YEAR AND YOU WANNA SEE WHAT SHE'S UP TO AND WHAT COLOR HER BIRKENSTOCKS IS (THEY BROWN)...THIS SHIT IS NAMED LILITH FAIR BECAUSE "LESBIAN MOM FEST" PROLLY AIN'T DO WELL IN FOCUS GROUPS. APPARENTLY THERE AIN'T ENOUGH LESBIAN MOMS IN THE UNITED STATES TO SELL TICKETS TO CUZ CARLY SIMON OLD GRAY PUSSY ASS SAW THE NUMBERS AND SMASHED HER FOOT WITH A HAMMER TO HAVE AN EXCUSE TO PULL OUT AND QUEEN LATIFAH TURNED DOWN A CHANCE TO BE SURROUNDED BY THOUSANDS OF ADORING VAGINA SUCKERS B SO YOU KNOW THIS SHIT WASN'T SHIT. WHEN QUEEN LATIFAH SAYS "NO I DO NOT WANT TO DO U.N.I.T.Y FOR A PACKED HOUSE OF MENOPAUSAL VAGINAS SUCH AS LIKE MYSELF" YOU KNOW THE TICKET SALES WAS WORSE THAN CHARLIE SHEEN'S "HELP ME OVERDOSE ON COCAINE" TOUR




WMC: YO WMC STANDS FOR "WINTER MUSIC CONFERENCE" WHICH MAKES IT SOUND LIKE SOME SERIOUS MUSICAL EVENT AND NOT WHAT IT ACTUALLY IS, WHICH IS NEW JERSEY MULTIPLIED BY 20 AND RELOCATED TO MIAMI. YO MY NIGGA, MIAMI TO GUIDOS IS LIKE MECCA B. NIGGAS BOW THEY HEADS IN THE DIRECTION OF MIAMI WHEN THEY BLOW DRY THEY HAIR B. NAHMEAN NIGGAS TANNING BEDS POINT IN THE CIRCUMFRENCE OF THE HOLY LAND B. YOU KNOW YOU ABOUT TO SEE GUIDO DJ'S BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS IN TANDEMS THAT SOUND LIKE A CONTRACTOR/DELI/CHEESE COMPANY NAME NAHMEAN LIKE "PROZULLI & TUTTI" OR "PIRELLI AND GENARO" OR SOME SHIT B. OR IT JUST BE ONE NIGGA WITH A WILD GUIDO'D OUT NAME LIKE "DOM CARMEFREDI" OR SOME SHIT. IT'S ILL THAT THESE NIGGAS MAKE WILD MONEY FLOWS MAKIN MUSIC THAT SOUNDS LIKE MY HOUSE PHONE RINGER WHEN THE BATTERY IS LOW. IF YOU WANT TO BE BOGGLED BY THE AMOUNT OF POORLY EXECUTED FAKE TITS AND THE THOUSANDS OF FLUID OUNCES OF ACQUA DI GIO THEN THIS IS WHERE YOU WANNA BE SLIME. YOU PROLLY WILL LEAVE WITH HERPES THOUGH. (DEFINITELY)


AIGHT YO SO THERE YOU HAVE IT. THAT'S MY TOTALLY UNINFORMED FACTS ABOUT MUSICAL FESTIVALS FOR NIGGAS LIKE SUCH AS MYSELF THAT DON'T GO TO MUSIC FESTIVALS. I LOVE Y'ALL PLEASE CONTINUE TO SUPPORT MY SHIT CUZ I'M STILL BROKE...AND BY SUPPORT I MEAN TELL EVERYONE YOU KNOW THAT I'M THE FUNNIEST NIGGA EVER B, USE PHRASES LIKE "ITS REALLY WITTY AND LIKE ANTI-INTELECTUALISM-INTELECTUALISM YOU KNOW?" AND SHIT LIKE THAT. NAHMEAN? AIGHT GOOD LOOKIN ALSO SEND ME MONEY VIA PAYPAL, HIT ME ON TWITTER AND ASK HOW YOU CAN DO THAT @THEKIDMERO...AND THE MERO MAILBAG IS AXEDAKID@YAHOO.COM

I'M OUT

#KNOWLEDGE

44 comments:

  1. You're not gonna turn 100% into a "white people be like this" Comedian are you?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow. Y'all get mad-sensitive about that sort of thing... Read more. Comment less, Dirk. The Less Said, The Best Said.

      Delete
  2. NAH B NOT AT ALL, DO YOU READ MY TWITTER? IT'S JUST ONE FACET OF MY #KNOWLEDGEDARTS B

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yo anonymous above dakidmero, fall back son this shit on point b

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous up top is a frail ass faggot

    ReplyDelete
  5. NIGGA U DO KNOW THAT SNOOP & DRE FINNA PERFORM RIGHT?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Snoop should have retired in 1995... When his talent dried up.

      Delete
  6. I want to hear your take on SXSW, Mero!

    ReplyDelete
  7. A bit ashamed cuz i thought DUH RIGHT! & HAHA! were joke-examples of punctuated band names

    ReplyDelete
  8. last three posts kind of fell off...i didn't laugh like i normally do what happened 2 u

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mero wrote. Like he does. You didn't laugh. You not laughing is the variable. So. Um. What happened to YOU? (And why you end that snetence like that, are you related The Artist Formerly Known as The Artist Who Used To Call Himself Prince?) Don't like the blog no more? Jump. Here, much as it is in your real (so-called) life, your existence lies somewhere roughly between unnecessary and insignificant. Godd Day, Sir. I. Said. Good. Day.

      Delete
    2. get off meros dick you faggot

      Delete
    3. Such wit. I'm underwhelmed, son. I'm not on Mero's dillz, I'm on his blog site... Oddly enough, so are you. Get your teeth fixed and you can keep breas-feeeding. After all I'm sure you're still Oprah's favorite Daughter, Precious.

      Delete
  9. DAMN YOU DIDN'T LAUGH AS MUCH AS USUAL? IT COSTS LIKE 800 DOLLARS TO SEE DANE COOK MAKE JOKES ABOUT FLICKIN A PEANUT IFF HIS DICK INTO HIS MOUTH B. THIS SHIT IS FREE. YOU'RE WELCOME.

    ReplyDelete
  10. This is the exact point in this blog where shit starts going downhill. Downhill into a pile of not funny dog shit.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, in that case, at least when the blog finally hists rock bottom, into that pile of hot, steamy, not-funny-to-YOU-people feces, it will come face to face-to-face with you and the rest of your tenderoni cronies, holding hands and chewing your coked-out teeth while trying to sing along to off-the-wall derivitive hipster bull-spit between hits of synthetic coca-ainha and sips of $10 frozen lemonades. G.T.F.O.H. Ya Stay-Puff Maxi-Pad.

      Delete
  11. yo mero, not to be all on your man junk, but your shit is funny. people like me who arent funny come to read funny. if pinche people are coming on here to talk shit, means your doing a good job! i need money too..but if i had tree paper in my cabinets i would send you some..maybe..

    ReplyDelete
  12. This was some funny shit.

    Also, I am looking for some white wimmin that smell like hot yogurt myself.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I got an idea... If you're afraid that Mero is going to suddenly (and inexplicably) become a semi-pseudo-somewhat race-baiting 'WhitePeopleAreLikeThis' comedic run-off... See if you can manage to (sc)roll back one, whole, entire post before this (high-larious and absolutely accurate) Coachell-No'Ni**a post... If you can't do that... Or read any of the other nonspecific race-free posts on the blog, perhaps you can still somehow muster the strength to shut the funk up and start your own blog (or - gasp - try writing your own ishtar, if you know 'Funny' so well)... Meanwhile, like anything else, you don't like Mero no more? Good. Tell a friend, even. We'll all be here and you'll be at Woodstock 2020 getting date-raped by a hairy she-beast in a porta-potty while your frat brothers knock it over and roll you in the leftovers of 10,000 X'd-out Punk-Wave Trustafarians... One.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Yo. Mero. I'm not on Twitter. How do we send you some Pay-Pal, Pal?

    ReplyDelete
  15. EMAIL ME AT AXEDAKID@YAHOO.COM I'LL TELL YOU. THANKS BUDDY [EMOTICON]

    ReplyDelete
  16. your phrase, "the illest display of caucasity" is pure poetry, and this blog and it's pet JAWS is a total delight.

    ReplyDelete
  17. music is stupid. festivals are stupid. people who profess certain truths as creative insight are worthless. kid mero doesn't surf and his followers dont surf... none of you surf and if you ever try it'll be funny to see you reexperience shitting in your diapers haha oh fuck I shoulda written that in caps with some watered down urban nigga inflection no jk great blog

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! Ironic. You just stated an uninformed, nonsensical opinion as fact. I've been surfing (here at home in Venice, CA) since the late '70's - Left Side at the Breakwater. It is a good blog, though.

      Delete
  18. hehe...yea, I feel kinda stupid for writing that and I was joking for the most part, BUT, I do sometimes think that all these tough ass swaggering hard core bad boys just need to try and surf sometime. The ocean has a way of humbling even the most Alpha of dudes. And why don't black people surf? I'll never understand that one. I'm from LA myself. Grew up in Compton, learned to surf at El Porto. Most of my friends went on to a life of either crime, gangs, aspiring careers as rap stars and back to the 1st 2 when that didn't work out. Me? The ocean turned it all around for me. And for all the South Central bros, the ocean is right down the road there and it's all yours...and yeaa, good blog, funny as shit but the caps make it all blend in after a while.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That was softer than Drake my nigga. Da fuck outa here surf brah.

      Delete
    2. I liked the part where he said "tough ass swaggering hard core bad boys" should try to surf because surfing humbles "Alpha dudes". Lol

      Delete
  19. have u already done post about HOUSE music.. man i would love to read that one

    ReplyDelete
  20. Mero's still on point.... need an update tho!!

    ReplyDelete
  21. slow down with your posts nigga!

    ReplyDelete
  22. You fail. REAL white people are like George Washington. We love guns. We handle them safely... Douche'bag white people hate guns because they are too stupid to look into the statistics. The state with the most guns per capita has the lowest crime rate. Would you rob someone if they most likely had a gun? Fuck no!

    Guns save lives when held by normal law abiding, peaceful people.

    Other than that you are fucking hilarious. Party on broseph!!

    ReplyDelete
  23. You are like George Washington. I'm a white nigga from NC. Liking the fat bashing!

    ReplyDelete
  24. I'm white as fuck and from Alabama. I'm also morbidly obese. Mero is my fuckin hero. Shit makes me cry everytime. Keep that up, man.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Yo, we're from Brazil. Ended up here on a NYT link. Missed out on your heyday, but laughing our asses off with the archive. Brilliant shit.

    ReplyDelete
  26. can you opinionated faggots stfu and continue reading blogs to make yourselves seem more cultured in a society you pretend to hate

    ReplyDelete
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